Constantly Drowning

I am exhausted. That is the crux of it. I try my hardest to set boundaries and take time away from work because it is crucial to maintaining my wellbeing given my diagnosed mental health disorders. I work almost every day of the week, sometimes full days at the weekend. I work evenings after weekday work, way more than my contracted 37.5 hours. The workload seems impossible, never ending additions to my mountain of work. As a consequence, I feel like I’m constantly drowning. Always behind on work. Never in a position to give my best self to my work.

I don’t respond to student messages after hours in an attempt to set expectations about availability. But I feel this is in direct opposition to the implicit messages I receive from my manager and university management. I am expected to be ‘on’ and available all the time. Some academics subscribe to these ideals, which means students in general also expect me to be on and available all the time, and are frustrated when I don’t respond immediately. I am considered unhelpful and not dedicated enough to my students when I work really hard to provide the best learning experiences I can.

My manager does not role model healthy behaviour. When pushed, she states she does not endorse working after hours but she sends emails requesting work on the weekends, responds to students near midnight in courses we share, and frequently comments about her work after hours as if it is a badge of honour. I used to make excuses for her behaviour – pressures from upper management etc. I no longer do. Her role as my manager is to support me to be the best I can be in this role. She gets paid to do this. She agreed to do this by taking on the role. And if she won’t advocate for my (and my colleagues’) wellbeing, who will?

Recently, my mental health has suffered. I have let my manager know about my struggles. Her response: ok. I asked for help with specific (in my view, straightforward and reasonable) actions. She declined to do any of them. I’m not sure what to even do with that…

But, I don’t feel I have any choice but to continue. For my students. For my colleagues. For the people who I’m trying to help with my research and consulting. This is why I am in academia. But I’m worried I won’t survive. And I’m worried if I say no to my work conditions and push back, my colleagues and students will suffer in the short term, and my career progression will suffer in the long term. My manager is a gatekeeper to any academic promotion. She holds so much power. Imagine a world where she used it responsibly?

The irony is I work in fields related to occupational health and safety and well-being. Universities are not interested in preventing harm for their workers. They are not interested in their legal responsibilities to minimise health and safety risks. This week, I received an email about how I could shoulder the responsibility of preventing burn out. These approaches are tokenistic; nothing more than a tick box. It’s insulting, disheartening and devaluing.

I am entitled to a good life that is defined by more than my contributions to academia. I want to be my best self at work and home. I want to be a good partner, family member and friend. But my work takes so much from me. As they say, you can’t pour from an empty jug.